White Abyss
by Foreverdreamergirl1
Summary: That night, I decided I would never let you hurt that way again. I wouldn't put you in danger anymore. I wouldn't leave you waiting for me…constantly on edge. I wouldn't let you suffer anymore…not for my mistakes. My mind was set. I was was time. Later, I realized it was the worst mistake I'd ever made. "I promise Kakashi"


**PLEASE READ!**

**Okay guys this was originally supposed to be just a one shot but recently I'v just felt so lazy I haven't been able to finish it. For now I'll post it as a two shot but as soon as I have the second part done I may just re-post it as one chapter. It's been a while and everyone's just been so patient so I though I'd best put something out there now that I have everything with my computer sorted out. I'll try to get the second part out as soon as possible. Thanks to everyone for their continued support and patience. As well as I've decided that as of Monday my user name will be changing to_ Foreverdreamergirl1._**

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**White Abyss (Part 1)**

_**By. Foreverdreamergirl1**_

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I walked slowly through the cool misty day. A strange chill filled the air and wrapped around everything in its midst. It was white; everything was white. The world was blanketed in the soft white glow, almost as if it was trying to ward off the constant black that filled me. The despair that was always hidden at the back of my mind.

I felt the soft bump of a head against my shoulder and couldn't help but chuckle when I looked back. Smile at the sweet innocent face that had just fallen against my shoulder for barely a second before shooting back up, trying to stay awake.

Soft, pale fingers clutched at my coat, and short, warm legs wrapped around my waist. His dark, almost black eyes drooped with exhaustion from today's training and soft silver hair blended into mine, a single shade darker.

"Kashi we'll be home soon, why don't you go to sleep?"

I heard a quiet sigh leave my sons soft pink lips before his head was once again, resting upon my shoulder. I knew my long strides would sooth him to sleep as he road, exhausted on my back. They often did. How else would I have gotten through those first baby years? When I'd wake up constantly to the sound of my little boy's wailing cries in the night. When he cried for the mother who could never again hold him in her arms. When the longing wails cried for the milk I couldn't give my hungering baby. It took weeks before I finally managed to get him used to being bottle fed in the night, and still when he was done, it would take hours for my observant child to get back to sleep. The only way I could manage it on the worst of nights was taking the tiny bundle in my arms and taking a long walk through the warm darkness. The night just seemed to sooth him.

It wasn't coincidence that my striding rhythm would still take him to sleep when he was too exhausted to walk, and it was only seconds before I once again heard his tell-tale sleeping pattern. His soft rhythmic breathing.

Through the mist, I could just almost see the fence that surrounded my small home. I could see the shadows of the large white birch that grew larger every year, and could just almost see the blinding green of that perfect grass. Almost too perfect. We would be home soon.

Or so I thought. My heart clenched at the throb that pulled at my core. My very center. He was calling me. He needed me.

I paused for only a second, trying to decide whether I should take my child with me or put him to bed first. Only for a second before the insistent pulling got stronger, and murmured whispers filled my mind. They were too quiet to understand and I needed to go. I needed to go hear what he was saying. I needed to go see his face. I needed to go. He needed me. Besides, what if the little eight year old woke from his sleep and found himself alone. It would most likely be okay, but if he woke up from a nightmare-which wasn't uncommon in the last few weeks, I needed to be there. I had to be there! Its better I bring him with me.

Taking a look at him and hoisting him up a little higher on my back, I turned around and began running back to the way I'd come-running back to where I knew he'd be waiting.

I made it quickly to the veil, breaking through the clear mist separating my world from his to sit in front of a young man. Today-like most days- he sat in front of the large, familiar carved stone.

A light wind ruffled the man's silver hair and I couldn't help but caress his cheek as he whimpered, letting a single tear fall from his eye down his masked face.

"Tousan" He whimpered. My heart raced in my chest. How I longed for this man to look at me. Not through me like he did every day, but directly at me, acknowledging me as his father. Why did I have to hurt him this way?

Of course I watched him constantly. Watched him eat, sleep, train his team. Watched him talk, go out on missions, risk his life. But it was moments like these that really hurt. That made me regret everything I'd ever done. Of course this was my fault. This was all my fault!

I wrapped my hands around his unfeeling wrists. They were cold. It was chilly here today too.

"Tousan." His soft voice cracked out again.

"I'm here Kakashi. I'm here my son."

I felt Kashi stir on my back whimpering fretfully in his sleep, and the man sobbed. He let go of all the rules he'd realized long ago were so stupid in the shinobi life and sobbed.

Why did I have to do what I did? Why did I have to make such a stupid decision? Why did I have to kill my son?

Of course, it started long before that. It started when he'd turned a year old and I had to start being re-assigned on missions. I had to get back to work. Being a shinobi was my life. My honorable, stupid, pathetic life. I started leaving him with whomever I could. Usually Jiraiya, or the Hokage when they weren't busy. If they were both off working, I usually had the pretty young Tsunade-chan watch him for the night.

Later I would chastise her for coddling him. He would be a shinobi one day and he couldn't be coddled the way she coddled him. He would end up far too weak for the shinobi world, even if he'd already been declared a child prodigy. His mind functioning at three times the strength of a normal child his age.

To Kashi, it didn't matter. He was such a happy child. Even with the horrible life I gave him, he was always such a happy child.

Oh Kakashi, how could I steel such happiness away from you?

"Tousan...tousan I'm sorry."

"No! I'm sorry my son,"

I'm sorry for handing you a kunai before your first rattle. I'm sorry for drilling you with shinobi rules before you were old enough to understand. I wanted you to be strong. I wanted you to be powerful. Not like me! I was weak for doing what I did! I didn't want you to end up like me…like so many others of our kind. I didn't want you to suffer, or question everything your life would become. Question everything the way I did. I guess that wasn't really my decision to make.

Who am I to have taken away your choices that way? To make sure your soul intentions were to follow all the rules of this life.

"I-I don't know what to do dad? What if I do them wrong? What if I lead them down the wrong path? They may not show it but all three of them hang on to my every word, I know they do"

Just like you did. They hang on to your every word just like you did mine. They look up at you with those wide, expectant eyes, waiting for you to teach them whatever's next. Except you won't make the same mistakes I made. You're too good for that. Too kind-hearted.

I remember that first birthday. You were cranky that morning because Tsunade-chan decided to wake you up early when she rang the doorbell one too many times while I rushed to get it. I guess I should have been quicker, but I'd been wrapping up your first birthday present. The one you would get later that day.

The girl waltzed in bouncing strait over to the crib you still slept in. That was the last year I let you sleep in that crib. Unlike normal children, you didn't fuss around when I removed the old thing and replaced it for a double bed.

She scooped you up as you grumbled in annoyance and swung you around, kissing you're cheek and leaving the bright pink stain of her lip gloss all over you. Inside I was smiling when you squirmed in her arms and wiped your arm across the sticky substance on your cheek. On the outside I glared daggers at the young medic until she turned to look back at me.

"Tsunade you know that-"

"Oh lighten up Sakumo-san. It's his birthday! Smile a little." She cut me off holding you close to her chest and you pushed her away in a way that would have made the old Pervy Jariaya-sama proud. Those little hands grasping at her neck and chest.

That day she spent helping me and Jariaya who wouldn't miss a party for the world decorate the whole house. I hadn't wanted to make your birthday a huge event, but Tsunade, Jariaya, Minato, and her Dawn were all up against me. They wanted a big, elaborate celebration.

By five-o-clock the house was filled with the sound of laughing shinobi, and a few happily giggling children. There was Sarutobi's son Asuma-probably the one you got along with the best, and little Gai both only a couple years older than you. The Yamanaka's, Nara's, and Namikaze's. Even a few Uchiha's and Hyuga's showed up just to say they'd gone.

All of them brought presents, and after everyone stuffed themselves with cake, a friend of your mother's insisted they do some of the rituals your mom would have wanted. She cut off the first lock of your hair and handed you a shiny silver coin. You dropped it and I remember thinking that I wish you hadn't. At least if you'd held it, it would supposedly mean you'd have a deep greed. I thought that would somehow save you one day. I still hoped, but deep down I knew you didn't have the heart.

I knew you'd be such a kind child. You would have difficulty with the shinobi concepts, know that they were wrong. You would have such a good heart. But then again, don't all parents want to believe that about their children? Finally, it was time.

It was ritual in your mother's family for the father to gift their child with something he truly treasured on his first birthday.

There were only four things I loved that way. First was you of course, then the wedding band on my left hand, followed by an old watch that belonged to my late brother, and last, a tanto left to me by my late father. One that would be welded only by the white chakra Hatake's possessed. That last one was my gift to you.

You sat on the table that day, waiting patiently for what would happen next. You'd quickly gotten bored after you'd dropped the coin. One of the downsides to being a genius. I went up to my bedroom where I'd left the package I'd wrapped for you earlier and brought it down. I laid the thin package in front of you and you stared up at me waiting for me questioningly.

"Go on Kashi."

Then I helped you rip the shiny silver paper and open the box that contained the shining metallic blade. Though I knew it would still be a while before you used it, I was proud to hand it down to you. Now all I can think is what a silly gift to give a baby.

"This Kakashi, is a blade passed down to me by my father, your grandfather, long ago." I'd said softly "But now I must hand it to you. This will be the first blade you magnify your chakra with, and the blade that will make you proud to have the Hatake clan's white chakra. I know you will become a wonderful shinobi."

And that was the first time I really saw it in your eyes. The way you were pulling apart my words in your young mind. You opened you're mouth, taking a deep breath before…

"Sh-shi-shin-shinobi?"

And that was the second word that had ever come out of your mouth.

Your wide baby eyes stared up at me, watching my reaction curiously. At that point my heart had leapt in my chest. "Yes Kashi. Shinobi" I said with a smile. You always made me smile.

Then as you took the handle of the old tanto and stared at the shining metal, eyes wide with curiosity and astonishment that could only come from a child, I frowned. I got the strangest feeling . A bad feeling.

I picked you up from the table and the sword dropped from your hands-still too week to hold up the heavy metal. I caught it with my left hand and laughed the feeling off.

"Yes, a shinobi" And I hugged you to me, putting the blade down on the table.

I guess I should have listened to that feeling. Maybe, just maybe it meant something. Maybe it could have helped prevent the inevitable.

"Tousan I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hated you. I'm sorry I sided with the villagers. All I knew were those stupid rules and-and Tousan. I was scared. Scared of the villagers...and scared at what you did I guess. I didn't mean it, I swear I didn't mean it"

Kashi whimpered loader now, clutching onto my thick shoulders and hair, and I felt tears prick in the corner of my eyes. I reached back with one hand, pulling Kashi forward into my lap while I wiped the tears off the man's cheeks with the other. Or at least I tried to. No matter how many times I could try to wipe away your tears, they would never be wiped away. I could never wipe them away again- and not just because of that silly mask.

Kami! I wish you'd take that thing off.

"Shh, don't cry. It's not your fault. Please don't cry. It's alright, you never did anything I didn't expect you to do. Everything will be alright."

The memories flashed forward in my mind as I rocked the child in my arms and spoke to the young man before me.

He was seven years old now. A genius for his age and I knew it. It was a few weeks after THAT mission. Things were getting harder. My mind kept wandering further and further away, and the guilt just kept eating away at me.

I couldn't bare those glares the villagers gave me as I walked through town. I couldn't bare them cause I knew they were wrong. How? Why should I have ever abandoned a comrade in battle? A comrade who had a family- a wife and a child waiting for him to come back home to them. I'd met the man's kid. The little boy-no older than 4 years old with cherry red hair and the cutest dimples. The other had been just months away from being married and having his own children. I couldn't help but think about my Kakashi, who would probably train with the Hokage for the day before sleeping over at his house while I was away. I couldn't help but think about the wife I'd lost all those years ago and how much it hurt. How much it destroyed me. How much it affected what Kakashi's life could have been.

And then, I walked through my village, the place I grew up in and I could feel the glares. I could feel the glares of every single person I'd been trying to protect searing through my skin, burning it. I could hear every whisper, every breath, and every comment. I could hear them searing at my brain, eating away at my heart.

But most of all, the worst part of it all-was seeing his face. I couldn't get it out of my head. When I walked over to his house the day before and the little cherry red haired boy peeked his head out the door to look up at me with a strange look on his face.

"Hiya Suo!" I greeted him the usual way but he didn't smile and whip the door open like usual. Instead he peeked up at me from under his long eyelashes and said "Tousan says were not supposed to talk to you anymore." And that was it. He closed the door in my face.

On the next day when I walked into town, both the men I'd saved from impending doom were walking through. They talked quietly among the crowd, until they spotted me coming towards them.

They both nudged each other, falling silent before turning back to walk the other way, their faces red with shame.

The villagers I could deal with. They wanted to act that way, fine by me, but this was just ridiculous.

And then it only got worst. You came home. You came slamming the door behind you and stomping up the stairs.

"Kakashi. Kakashi what's wrong?"

You didn't answer me. Instead I heard you turning on the water upstairs. By the time I got up there you were holding a bloody rag against your cheek.

"Kashi what happened." I asked urgently, now on red alert.

"This-this is your fault." You'd shouted at me and the words hurt. The words hurt but I knew you didn't mean them. I could see the fear in your eyes. The pain that came behind them.

"Th-the villagers, and shinobi community. My reputations tarnished. My-tousan...naze?"

Your words were weak and I came forward to take the cloth from your shaking hand. You pulled away from me.

"Tousan?" Your words were frightened. You didn't understand. You were a genius but this just wasn't something you could get your mind to understand. Your mind that had been drilled with shinobi rules since you'd been born.

I grabbed the rag out of your hands and forced you to limp to the toilet where I closed the lid and you sat. I washed the blood off the rag before gently taking it and wiping the blood running down your cheek.

"Some concepts Kakashi, are difficult to understand. Some rules are meant to be broken."

"But-but you always said those were the shinobi rules. You should always follow them. They're our life guidelines." You said in that voice way too old for your body, wincing as I began to wipe down the cut on your forehead.

"Yes Kakashi, but there are exceptions to every rule. Izumo has a little boy just like you at his house. You remember Suo right?" I asked knowing he'd met the little boy and would recognize the nickname.

"How would you feel if one day, I left you with Hokage-sama, or Tsunade, or Jaraiya to go on a mission? You waited for me to come back the next day, or the next week...but suddenly, I don't come back for a month, maybe two, then three."

"Of course I'd be worried. I'd be worried about you but I would know you were coming home. Maybe the mission just went longer than expected, or it was documented wrong and it was a little harder than you thought, or you guys were just side tracked, or, or maybe something happened to you guys and you were just taking a little longer to get out of the situation."

I grabbed some bandages, nodding at your words, before bending down to look you in the eye. As I spoke I began putting the bandages over the open wounds.

"But, what if any one of those situations happened, or even something else happened, and I still don't come home. What if the Hokage came over to wherever you were staying at that time and told you that I wasn't going to come home. That I was gone forever. Dead. And what if it could have been prevented if I simply had the help of a comrade."

You were quiet as I put the bandages away and looked you in the eyes. You looked down at your lap.

"I-I think I understand tousan. I would have wanted them to do whatever you did for your comrades I guess. I don't want to imagine what that would feel like. What I would do." you said peeking up at me as your cheeks flushed pink. Expressing ourselves wasn't always the easiest thing for either of us.

"Good." I said "Now let's take a look at that ankle."

You understood. You understood everything I'd said. You understood what I'd done. But as the situation got worst and worst, you got angrier and angrier. I got angrier and angrier. Now these people I'd been protecting were going after you. And for me-and yourself- you were not something they wanted to mess with.

I couldn't bear with it anymore. I couldn't take it. You grew more and more distant and when you would come home, bruised up and exhausted from either training or fighting someone off, the anger and sadness in your eyes broke my heart.

I would still put you to bed, where you would hug me goodnight, and you would still be waiting when I would come back from missions, usually long and vigorous to keep me out of the village longer. Hokage sama wanted to protect me...wanted to protect you. Things were getting bad.

I knew you could protect yourself, and if you ever couldn't Minato would. You would be fine and I was happy to be away from the whispers for a while, even if they were mostly on solo missions. The only problem I had was being away from you for so long. I missed spending all my free time with you. I missed constantly teaching you. I missed seeing that intrigued look in your eyes.

It was about three months after the accident. I'd just come home from a mission. I was on my way to the hokage's office to report my return. It was late so there weren't many people out, It was quiet, peaceful. I was tired and took my time getting there, but I'll never forget what happened next.

"I'm sorry, I just wanted-I just -I...Tousan it hurt."

"I know Kakashi, I know. It hurt me too. Just as much as you."

When I got there, the tower was quiet. I walked up the flight of stairs quickly. There was a strange tension in the air, and now I just wanted to hurry up and get home. I wanted to come see you. A guard was standing in front of the Hokage's office.

"Sakumo-san you're back."

"Yes sir, mission complete. If you'll excuse me I must report to the Hokage please."

"Sakumo-san the Hokage's not here right now but he said that should you arrive to send you to the hospital right away."

I stood there for a minute, a little confused. "What?"

"Something's happened to your son Sakumo."

I was off running over to the hospital. My heart was beating like a humming bird in my chest and I was suddenly wide awake. My son? Kakashi? What had happened to you?

Did you just push yourself too far training again...Or did something happen? Were you alright? You had to be alright. Your Kakashi were talking about. You're always alright. I mean, what could have happened to you right?

But if the Hokage had personally gone down to the hospital... why would he go there? I mean, there were plenty of nurses there to help why did he have to go?

When I jogged in, everything was quiet. Everyone seemed to be doing something, but none spoke. Surprisingly the waiting room was empty, and the receptionists were busy writing away at their desks. I rushed over about to say something but was quickly cut off by a grave look and

"Sakumo-san we've been expecting you. I can take you over to Kakashi's room but you have to be quiet. The doctors are planning on administering the antidote in about fifteen minutes."

"Fifteen minutes? Ma'am what happened to my son?" I felt myself shaking. They were planning to administer an antidote? Still fifteen minutes from now?

It sounded like they were doing treatment for...

No you were alright. You had to be fine.

"He's-go on Sakumo. Room two fifty seven."

I knew I should stay calm as I turned to walk up to your room, but there was such a feeling encompassing me. I could feel my hands shaking slightly and had to force myself to walk instead of full out run like I wanted to.

If they did anything to you. If they'd hurt you.

I had to stay cool.

However, that all got thrown out the window when I turned the corner and saw that I'd finally reached the two fifty's. I could hear the sound of a nurse's quiet murmuring and a sound that would always haunt my memories. The sound I could easily distinguish as your heartbreaking whimpers.

You-you were whimpering. You were crying. I knew that was you but I hadn't heard that sound coming from you in so long-possibly years.

I couldn't help but think that I was wrong… Maybe it wasn't you. I mean I could have been wrong right? If I hadn't heard that sound in so long I could have just been paranoid. Maybe I was just letting my imagination get the best of me. Maybe I was just assuming a random child was you. However I knew I was just kidding myself. That was you…I knew that was you.

I ran quickly down the hall, all the calm gone, and when I burst through that door, my chest constricted until I could no longer breath.

It was you…You were there. You were there lying on a hospital bed clutching the white sheets beneath you with your small fingers and crying. You were pale and flushed and crying.

Leaning down over you, my eyes strangely itchy, and my chest burning, you looked up at me from under your long lashes, a few tears running down your cheeks.

"Tou-Tousan…It hurts."

And that was the last straw. That day, I didn't see your teacher sitting at the edge of your bed, gently brushing the sweaty silver strands out of your face. I didn't hear him apologizing to me. All I could hear was your whimpers echoing in my mind over and over again. I heard them long after they'd stopped. Later, I found out that You'd been poisoned. Minato had taken you out for dinner, and you were poisoned. You were poisoned by your own people. People who'd actually been my "friends" before this whole mess- people you'd trusted.

I didn't see the doctors rushing around the room as they prepared to administer the antidote and I didn't see Tsunade until she stood before us with a large syringe ready. She nodded at me gravely and I watched her bring the needle to your soft, alabaster skin before turning back to look you in the eyes. I couldn't watch her pierce you. It didn't matter how many people I'd stabbed and killed in battle, I couldn't watch her. But I knew when it happened. Your eyes widened, fresh tears cascaded down your cheeks, and you cried out weekly at the new sensation of the medicine running through your veins.

"I'm sorry Kashi. I'm sorry I let this happen to you."

"It-it's just, when I saw you like that tousan… I knew things were bad-I knew what was happening to us and I was angry. I guess I did take some of that out on you but…tousan you were the only constant in my life. You were the only one who would always come back. Everyone else left, came back and left again. People always came and went and I just figured that you would always come back….when I saw you laying there. That we were in our own house …you left me in our own house…and you weren't coming back this time…..tousan, you promised. Tousan that night in the hospital, when the when the poison antidote was the worst you promised you wouldn't leave me, papa, you said you wouldn't leave me for the world."

"ngggahhh! Ahhh stop! Papa….mmmaaaaah"

"Shh, it's alright Kashi, it's going to be okay. Shhh"

"Papa please make it stop, make them stop!"

"I wish I could baby, but it'll be over soon okay? I promise you're going to be okay. I will never let this happen again, I promise."

One of the nurses stood at the door of the darkened room when I looked up at the sound of footsteps I'd heard coming towards us.

"Sakumo-san Hokage Sama wishes to speak to you about your charge and what happened right away."

I didn't want to go but I couldn't deny the Hokage's request and nodded, letting out a single gruff sound at in response. The nurse walked away…shoes clicking loudly against the ground behind her.

"Kashi just relax buddy. I'll be right back I promise. The nice doctor will be here with you." I said in despair as I nodded to the man quietly watching in the corner of the room. You seemed confused at what I'd said and nodded in a daze as your fingers dug into the mattress beneath you. I brushed your silver hair away from your face one more time before turning to leave for what I could only hope to be a brief minute.

As soon as I got up you cried out loader than you had before and shot up in bed, pulling all the different tubes along with you.

"No! Tuosan don't…please, please don't go!

I nearly jumped in fear and surprise, rushing back towards you.

"Shh Kashi it's alright I'm here I'm here, I just have to go see the Hokage for a minute and I'll come right back here."

"No!" you cried weekly grabbing onto my arm as I spoke and lowered you back down to the bed. You're grip was tighter than I thought possible in the state you were in.

"No!Papa, don't go…Please don't go! Don't go don't go don't go!" I'll never forget those words…how they left your lips in breathless desperation.

"Papa don't go!"

"Shhhh…Kakashi its okay. I won't go, I'm here see? I'm right here."

"Papa don't leave me...please don't leave me!" You said it as you began to calm down a little, however still not trusting me enough to let my arm out of your death grip.

"I'll never leave you Kakashi. I won't ever let this happen again. I promise! I'm here…I'm here, I wont leave you for the world I promise!" I said kissing your forehead over and over again as I spoke.

The Hokage would just have to wait. My duty was important, but you will always be even more important.

When the nurse came back a little while later with your teacher trailing behind, I looked up at him for a moment. His eyes were sad, pained, and understanding.

"I'll take care of it." I heard him whisper and I buried my head in your soft, damp hair.

"I promise Kakashi."

That night, I decided I would never let you hurt that way again. I wouldn't put you in danger anymore. I wouldn't leave you waiting for me…constantly on edge. I wouldn't let you suffer anymore…not for my mistakes. My mind was set. I was ready….it was time. Later, I realized it was the worst mistake I'd ever made.

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**`Foreverdreamergirl1**


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